I love to blog. Really, I do. I get a certain satisfaction out of seeing my posts stack up on top of each other like a pile of hot pancakes – or for a better analogy, I get the same feeling of satisfaction when I frequently post as I do when I flip back through a once empty journal that is now full of my thoughts and random ephemera pasted throughout.
So why don’t I blog more?
I have been thinking about this question over the past couple of weeks and I think part of it has to do with depression and stress – or the stress that has created a depressing situation.
My job is stressful and normally I would feel like I could express my frustration on my blog but I am too paranoid that my manager would read my blog and hold something I would share against me in some way. I have been very careful to not mention the name of the company I work for or to go into any sort of detail about what I do but now I don’t think even that is enough. I do enjoy my job, don’t get me wrong. It is challenging and it allows me to engage with many different people all of over the country. It has taken me some time to get to the point where I can safely say that I enjoy what I do and I feel like I am good at it – my frustration and stress is coming from other entities/people. I never know from day to day whether or not I am going to have a job and that creates the stress that makes me want to come home from work each day and lose myself in all of the shows just waiting to be watched on my DVR.
I am getting ready to turn 40 this week and I have been doing a great deal of soul searching as a result of this milestone birthday. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything to show for the 40 years I have lived so far – I feel like if I were married and had children, then, perhaps I would feel like I have left some sort of mark. I know this is dangerous thinking – just as quickly as I let my thoughts take me there I am able to re-focus and I can start naming numerous opportunities/things/people that have blessed the last 40 years of my life - I am a VERY, VERY lucky girl. I just want to make sure the next 40 are even better.
I have things I want to do and I want to make sure that I am chronicling my progress somewhere – whether it be on-line for all the world to see and hold me accountable to or within the pages of my own journal that sits in the middle drawer of my nightstand.
I frequent other blogs of individuals that chronicle their comings and goings, successes and trials and other tidbits of their lives and I walk away from my computer so inspired to start creating and writing it all down. I want to be that blog. I want to have the blog that readers look forward to my posts and reading about my progress. I know that this doesn’t mean I have to do great and wonderful things – I just have to be myself and know that is enough.
Thank you for reading through the little conversation I am having with myself.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
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4 comments:
I always look forward to your posts, and absolutely loved this one in particular. You are a very strong, successful, intelligent, witty, charismastic and beautiful woman! You have left a lasting mark and will continue to influence all that are lucky enough to come in contact with you. Happy Birthday, my friend, welcome to 40!!! (it's AWESOME by the way!)
Love you!
I have known you long enough to be able to tell you that you are awesome! You have been through many many things-some good some not so fun-but, you have always been a giver and a helper- that is why everyone trusts and loves you so much! Plus you are Beautiful!!!!
Thank you for your blogs! I loved your conversation. I think we all feel that same way about our lives and what we have accomplished or not accomplished. Wished we could be those other blogs. I think you are such an amazing and fun person. Welcome to the 40's!
I felt very much the same way when I turned 40; wondering who I was and trying to figure out when I had made the transition from "young-buck going places" to "cog". With my kids so young I felt like my life was over, well, not my life, but my LIVING; I'll be in my 60s when they leave home.
After a great deal of soul searching and a couple of punches to the gut, I have, in many ways, come to peace with my situation. Some weeks I make great strides to become who I think I can be, other weeks I am who I am. But, I know that in the end there's a plan that will smooth the rough edges and give me what I TRULY want. (wow, bet you never thought you'd hear the term "plan" from me, huh).
Anyway, happy 40th again. And I'm sure whatshiswhosit will never read your blog, or mine. He's far too busy bettering himself to read the chatterings of lesser mortals. ::grin::
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